[ there were many people kim soleum came into contact with beneath the surface. the name isn't one he can label, it isn't anyone he knows, and soleum goes out of his way to to learn. there are many people who deny doing so, rather be open with their names, but they are civilians and they use it for pride. that means little in the face of danger, that's how they are killed, and why kim soleum has to avoid it.
this one is new to him so he can only answer honestly. ]
Is that what you gain from entering in here, a person?
[ that could be the name of who he's looking for and if so, there's some gain to this interaction. he's unable to say no or call him a liar, all he can do is accept if that's the case. there's a part of soleum that's happy for him if so, that he's able to achieve what he's been looking for the entire time. unlike soleum who has gained and lost, it appears that the people he has been around underground are a few familiar few that the young boy is attached too.
is he no longer lonely because he can return to this person? whoever subaru is? ]
...I met too many people below. I couldn't tell you where to start. You're losing daylight by being in here with me.
You're ignoring the part where I said they could probably help you too.
[ still curled up as small as possible, the ears faintly twitch. the tail which might lash otherwise, stays tense. he had been searching for him the whole time in the tunnels whether led somewhere or dragged somewhere. even the altercation of being forcibly handed off to a man he'd met once before...kamui can't find it in himself to view it as anything but another part of the unstopping tangle. he'd smelled subaru on the other man too, interestingly. there's entwining here in a way he doesn't understand.
'cat' says he does not know.
kamui believes him.
he's not sure why.
maybe he shouldn't.
the comment about daylight makes his brow pinch. without his psychic abilities he's at a severe disadvantage here, which at least he learned fast enough. reflexes and a curious uptic in strength and pointed claws more than hands seems to come and go. he needs more time. at the same token, he wants to leave this place but he can't without subaru; won't. well.
and then there is that other person.
unconsciously kamui's eyes have narrowed and there's a dull not-quite purr emanating from him as he tucks his head down fully against his knees, ears flattened now. ]
How many minutes do I have left?
[ it comes muffled, but he doesn't want to trouble him and he can't force him to go with him either.
also?
he has to find his way back then to the hotel by scent...and he's still getting used to this. if he couldn't do it before full dark, it would be his fault putting him in more danger. also he'd 'agreed' before. ]
[ he heard him, but it's easy to correct as he lifts his head to look towards where kamui sits. ]
It's not help that I need. I need to understand what directions I'm going to take to get the civilians home.
[ every person stuck in this place is a civilian that needs help, he's heard from agent choi that he's been here for some time, longer than what soleum knows. it's because of this he has to work extra hard, he needs to find what the agent overlooked, investigate locations that they shouldn't go to. risk himself over and over and over again like they did for him, even if they did it once, it's fine for him to triple their efforts.
soleum hasn't been counting. ]
I'm not sure.
[ he leans back against the chair, a hand rubs up his face, pushing the mask further and further up until it falls. his hand settles over his eyes, he stares into the darkness as black locks of hair part to allow his fingers to weave through them. should he have been keeping count, what he had hoped is that this child would have paid attention to it himself, been more self-conscious of the time that he has.
that isn't the case.
besides, who would be able to count down the seconds, minutes and hours? kim soleum, that's who, but he can barely focus, and even the darkness is offering some sort of discomfort to him. he has to do something soon or he'll regret wasting time, if he doesn't do anything now then saving them will be meaningless. ]
You just entered, so it shouldn't have been that long.
[ for a long time after that, not quite the thirteen minutes and however many seconds kamui has left but maybe five minutes, maybe three, maybe two and they feel like more. he watches this person who he is sure was also the cat, considers the odd instinct in himself to want to get closer and curl on his chest to see if he goes to sleep. the rush of embarrassment at this line of thought colors kamui's face more than even the red rawness of tears have so-far before. he ducks his head even though he isn't being looked at, absently rubs at his own temple. he hears things he supposes have to do with the murmur he's been loosely educated on, but he feels something beyond that whisper and weft of sound. unsettles, unmoors, unties.
reties. retries.
he blinks, not knowing much of the violet of his eyes has been eclipsed with gold. his nose twitches, agitated by the floral surge as he buries a small cough into the tops of his knees again.
quietly, ]
How do you figure that out? Can I help?
[ whether he wants to or not, kamui has to return; but he does want to; needs to. that he would selfishly bring the one 'subaru' with him, is not tangential but also just a part of the bigger whole to kamui's selfishness. to get out, he needs more information. and even if he did know how, he would need to find subaru first. but having met someone else already his heart sinks, caught up by the viced roots of recognizing the same insurmountable love in another person that he has himself; for worse.
of course between the two of them, kamui is the one whose choice is more devastating. unable to choose the world he chose a person and the world teeters on its last thread of hope that there might be some final moment of intersect.
it's not like he doesn't know this; not all protagonists are heroes.
certainly not necessarily responsible either.
the cat...chooses.
absently, kamui rubs at the freshly scabbed cut on his face. it's itchy. ]
[ they'll make mistakes, but that's common for the situation that they're in, way too common. he closes his eyes, sighs, and the buzz of the mask on his face only grows worse before he pushes it off to dislodge himself from that constant murmur of noise. it's too loud, too chatty, he can't stand the sound. but he never allows for his own face to be seen, like he's covering it. ]
There are routes to take, some more dangerous than others. ...You don't have to put yourself in harm's way.
[ this is what he believes.
though, he doesn't need to know the entire extent of why he wants to endanger himself. kim soleum should be aware, the things the boy could have left to the cat, he still grew worried and concerned. there was compassion, fright, worry, he blames himself and so soleum remembers every single moment of that and it has left an impression on that contamination.
don't ask what he already knows. ]
Don't worry. I'll figure it out... I need time.
[ he has to fuss out how to make things work, what he need to do, how he should go about it. soleum works alone, he doesn't need the assistance of anyone else or have someone involving themselves in a dangerous situation much like him. the less people he can involve the better, so that means he should do more, do double and that means he'll have to follow what trail of clues that he has. ]
[ the removal of the mask catches his attention, as does the way that the other keeps his face covered. it's too purposeful to be happenstance and even without addressing it, somehow kamui feels himself being intrusive. yet he wanted to be, somehow felt it permissible to more or less demand kim soleum let him into this car. ]
It feels...like everything is dangerous here. Sort of.
[ this gets murmured against kamui's arms, now folded atop his knees, resting on his side in the passenger seat. his gaze he keeps lowered. it's enough that he can smell the familiarity of soleum's scent, oddly warm in the hyper contrast of the season in this disrepaired city. kamui's own mask rests askew on his head, having no need nor desire to hide who he is. even if he had ever wanted to at home, it would have been impossible.
something also that keeps kamui here is the resonance of the cat he remembers from the dream. something had felt so lonely. and it's not that kamui is particularly generous. more so this: the boy who forgets he was ever just a boy was reminded when a cat led him, when a cat at least appeared to trust him. fate will not let him 'just be' or even to 'be just'. not home, not where he must go. but here, strangely, there's an ouroboros between freedom perceived and freedom limited. kamui likes something about soleum, is drawn to him, and so he'll stay his welcome as long as he can. if, at some point he can also help him despite being clearly told it's not his problem, well; he will. ]
[ he can't lie about that, he's unable to say that this place is safe in any aspect. even the people he believed to be someone he could go to are also terrifying— monsters, enemies, anomalies, they're all contaminated. when he thinks of the monster over the goat's body that growled in intimidation, the giant merged rat that assaulted them and their efforts, the way everyone's bodies are mutilated by the contamination.
even the one in his car, there are signs, soleum saw them and he doesn't dare look at kamui. he hides his face on purpose, the sickness settles into the pit of his stomach and he feels the need to shoo him away. think, soleum, think, what can he do to leave this disaster with everyone in tow? ]
I can't tell you to do anything dangerous, so my methods can't be said.
[ he's just a child with too much on his shoulders, one that kim soleum kept out of danger once, and one that he'll keep out of danger again. not as his lord cat, but because that seems right to him as a normal person, as a human. ]
Do you find yourself to be one of the dangers as you are now?
[ an unhelpful albeit honest answer, with his tail curled tight around him and ears pinned down, kamui looks for all the world like he might fall asleep like that in the passenger seat, though it's not his intention. a danger? because he doesn't understand what is going on or going wrong with him? yes. because he cannot protect people well? yes. because even back home when he had certain powers blessed or cursed upon him, even then he could not.
so he might be. yes. even probably. somehow it feels like more than that question though.
he closes his eyes.
it hasn't escaped him that soleum won't look at him, though he can think of a number of reasons for this and wouldn't blame him for any of them. ]
Though I don't want to be.
[ how much of 'want' does this place permit. how much does it matter? a great deal, in fact though this too he doesn't understand, and things 'mattering' does not equate to things being resolved or even received. a wandering cat is a wandering cat. a failed messiah is just a boy turning sixteen on the edge of a world that burns despite his mother's sacrifice. and here?
here:
the boy and the cat are the same and asking without asking: can i stay?
just a little longer than those fifteen minutes. ]
You'll have to make wise choices, especially with that secondary drive you'll have.
[ there's not much of a want here, when contamination sets in, that is that and the longer they remain here the worse that "i don't want" becomes "i have to". it feels horrible to sit here and know that when kamui is affected by the physical changes, and what can kim soleum do but sit here and feel sorry for himself. luckily, he plays it off as just someone covered in blood and tired, simply can't sleep.
no matter how many times he tries, there's something keeping him up: kamui, this place, his own horrific experience. ]
Where were you before you came here?
[ he asks solely curious of a few things: a safe place, a scary place, somewhere painful? whatever the answer is, it would accompany soleum's choice of what to do with kamui because is there reason to be here when there's a better, safer place then in a small car where blood stains the air. ]
I can't say this car is the safest option. This is one of those wise choices you have to make.
[ for kamui, who has yet to experience any of the more primal nature of his identifiers, that caution does not quite land. it rolls around in his head as he tries to remember how it was when he was not entirely himself. he had wandered, and someone had fed him. someone else had tried to tempt him elsewhere and he had run. not necessarily in that order. when he was still fleeing the dark, several things had reached for him but the smallness and the speed helped with that. it's all quite blurry to kamui though, as if it happened to someone else, and that more than anything puts soleum's words into perspective. arguably if it was as if it wasn't him, yes that does suggest a lack of control, and conscience.
a wet shuddering exhale gets quieted into his knees.
it's easier to talk about what he knows, though it's a stilted sort of answer, broken up here and there with muffled coughs that bring summer hydrangeas into the preexisting and prevailing scent of blood. ]
Tokyo. I was --
[ or not easier. the words 'trying to find someone' get tangled with 'trying to save someone' get tangled with 'failing'.
failing.
failed.
with one arm curled close, kamui peers at his scarred palm and then the other.
then he closes both hands and lowers his head against his knees again. ]
It might be...safest for me, for now.
[ an honest answer and a selfish one: 'safest' meaning he does not have to worry as much about explaining what is going wrong with him, which is to say he does not know. as well as this: the need to still be away, because people have been so kind to him. soleum is kind too, in kamui's eyes. but it's a bit different. there's an arm's length feeling that is almost easier to be around even though it's kamui asking, in a way, for more. drawn to him, somehow.
echoes: this way, this way. yet rippling water from a single stone thrown.
too much kindness of other types and he starts to feel...guilty.
because what has he done to deserve it?
the car is quiet and soleum is steady though somehow kamui sometimes thinks he can feel his heart like a tightrope walker, not ever able to look down. ]
[ japan, yes. then he'll have to see to it that kamui is returned there as soon as this disaster is broken down. it doesn't sound hard to make it happen in hindsight, but that means understanding this place properly to achieve that goal. he doesn't know anything of kamui, he hardly remembers what was written on the walls that tried to explain his character. the smell of flowers. it's brief, he doesn't look up to see where it came from because as long as it's not any sort of fungus, there's nothing to worry about.
for now, he'll accept it.
the smell of flowers isn't as terrifying as the smell of their blood, the fact that people had died because of him, and learning that the reason for any of it at all is because someone was scared. kim soleum was afraid too. then why do they cross paths but never make the same choices. he exhales, a shake of his head, and because he doesn't want to hear anymore coughs. ]
Hm.
[ and because kim soleum never asks to hear about backgrounds because he doesn't care. whatever these ocs go through is none of his business because it doesn't help him with his goal of going home, he doesn't argue over what is safest for him, nor does he inquire what it was he were doing in tokyo before coming here.
all soleum knows is that he's searching. ]
That's fine, then. In the trunk... [ his voice carries as he doesn't think much of it because... he's thinking whether this is a smart choice. ] there's a can of peaches, it'll help alleviate the cough, and keep your throat wet. The cold air is dry.
[ this is just life, a normal coincidence and a fact to their survival. ]
If you're sick, you'll make things harder for yourself.
[ people died. people were hurt. people nearly died.
subaru...
because kim soleum is so soft spoken even the snow outside could blot him out if it tried a little, kamui hears him as if at some distance, following his words like an invisible trail. part of him thinks if he goes outside, soleum won't let him back in. and part of him is okay with that, because he knows he's overstaying his welcome already and that going back on what he agreed to isn't the best. still, he wants to stay. still, he wants to be 'here' instead of elsewhere. still.
half rolling half pushing himself up to sit properly, he straightens his back a bit, reaching up to push at one of his own ears for no readily apparent reason. ]
I...when I woke up here...I had this cough. But I didn't have it before.
[ which is not terribly surprising. the sheer amount of fungal growths, some of which decided to also become corporeal, down below would have been enough to do work on any body manifested here. but somehow kamui doesn't think that's what it is even if he doesn't know what it actually, well, is. he shakes his head again, staring down at his hands, the tips faintly sharper, more arrowed in than standard human fingers. ]
Anyway...that's your food. I know it's precious. I won't take it.
[ what is a cat after all if not a creature who can be incredibly stubborn? ]
[ a little more strict because he has that control. children listen, sometimes they pay mind to adults, and kim soleum isn't lord cat at the moment, he's the man past the cat. he separates his identities, he's a human, and so he continues with what makes sense to the narrative. ]
When under someone else's roof.
[ the roof of someone that won't even look at him because of his new appearance, the terrifying fact that kamui doesn't hold the form of a basic black cat, but something contaminated by the concept of it. if kim soleum hadn't grown familiar with the odds and ends of those involved underground, he probably would have blamed himself for this too.
just as obsidian as the creature within the cathedral.
rather than reflect, his voice is a little firmer, a reminder and not expecting this gesture to be disregarded. ]
For survival purposes, it's the best option for your throat. [ then realizing he can hang a treat that comes with doing as told: ] Especially if you want to stay.
[ not the poster child for listening to what he's told, yet wanting to not be a nuisance in this case all brings kamui to a point of a slight frown, a pinch to his brow as he makes some soft inarticulate sound. whether it would have been argument or agreement originally is a moot point, because a treat dangled is a treat fixated upon. 'stay'. he said 'if'. and he said 'stay'. he did.
unconsciously, kamui's rather not-human ears perk, though since soleum won't look at him and kamui isn't paying attention to it, well, it hardly matters.
what matters, ]
Will you also eat?
[ part of kamui fears being able to keep anything down with the mild revulsion in his throat and stomach. it would be nice if some of it went to someone who can. he takes opportunity at least to peer at soleum from beneath long lashes, curious ever and ever, why he is so sure of what he cannot prove. this really was the cat. then his eyes stray to the blood. does he not have a change of clothes?
but then he is reminded of subaru, sitting, unmoving, unwanting to change and --
--he looks away. it troubles him, how he can barely feel his presence anymore, but it doesn't work either to run to find him in a place both big and small enough to disappear before he gets there. he still doesn't understand the various hazards of this place, the expected and otherwise. ]
[ when he's offering his food to allow the other to stay, he asks for more, which will cause a problem and remove him from the vehicle faster than his desire to be here. kim soleum doesn't say that to him, no, what he does is simply address the fact that the amount of power kamui has here is beneath soleum's own. ]
The trunk should be open already, I haven't locked it. I'll keep the doors open, too.
[ in case the other worries the moment he leaves out from the car that they'll lock behind him. he's already promised him if he does as told he can stay, so soleum won't go against it, there's no need because it's not like he, himself, would be a danger to the youth.
he's a much safer option than whatever is out there.
it's difficult he's unable to explain it entirely due to being new here himself, but soleum sighs tiredly. even his own stomach hasn't rumbled in time, it's because he isn't hungry, he's way too stressed to do so. he feels like the world is caving in on him, but the only reason he's not crushed himself is because the voice of the other breaks through reminding him he cannot break down with someone near him. ]
[ for a while, kamui just tilts his head, staring. there is something about him kamui is drawn to and cannot articulate why. certainly some of it is instinct. a cat remembers the one who helped, and that soleum was also a cat at that time (kamui is sure of it no matter any denials), is actually just happenstance. though someone across worlds would suggest: there is no such thing as coincidence, only the inevitable. the stark cold of the snow feels clean in deep contrast to the post-apocalyptic "manhattan" which kamui understands is "new york" and has not much reference beyond a sense of where that should have been.
back in his own world it might have been moot, supposing the world itself might be ending.
but it makes him think.
what comes after?
something ends and then?
a boy gets out of a car, another keeps it unlocked, a can of peaches procured from the trunk.
the world seems rather unreal in these simple moments.
when kamui peers at the trunk, he stifles a weird inclination to just climb into it and curl up to conserve his own warmth. he's muffling another cough as he gets back into the passenger seat, head turned away into his own sleeve. breathing through his nose, he blinks rapidly until it ebbs. then he stares down at the can of peaches in his hands before, deciding not to push his luck further, opening it.
sweet. syrupy. a touch of color blooms in kamui's cheeks and the curl of his tail around his own waist is a pleased one. having no way to know how his current physical state is upsetting to soleum, kamui has made no efforts to hide it, though even if he could he's not sure how he would. perhaps he could ask choi, if he ever catches onto soleum's discomfort. perhaps he could make a hat at least for the ears. not thinking any of this just yet though, kamui's mind is fixated the way an animal's mind often does when eating: food good. and soleum was right, it does help a little with his throat. or seems to, for now. ]
soleum finally relaxes, while tense, he can feel the breath in his throat starting to leave from between his lips. it's such a strange situation to be in, the horrors that anything that was once human was left behind and has turned them into creatures. he's become worse, though, he's become a monster of organs in the wrong places, he's become a mascot filled with stuffing, he's become a cat... he's become many things that aren't him, but he was always able to revert back.
the rest of them however has not.
they only grow worse, and so does soleum's nerves. ]
...
[ the click is enough to tell him that the other is eating, and because he does, soleum leans up as he places his mask properly on his face. the buzzing of the murmur enters his head, it gives him a headache, but it's something he chooses to endure knowing that the other is eating. ]
How is it?
[ normalcy.
asking someone how their food tastes.
he may have lost what made him human and have had them replaced with parts like a wild animal, but the other still hungers... like anyone else, so it's something he can question with ease that doesn't come off difficult. he's unable to ignore that inside, that cat which had guided the other to safety... he cannot ignore those things that he did before. ]
[ even if soleum doesn't look over at him, mask in place as well, kamui smiles at him over his makeshift table of his own knees, can now balanced precariously atop them. for a while it's quiet except for kamui's almost-as-quiet nibbling, though kamui can hear others far off, crunching through the snow or even doing things indoors. he hears other things too, though he has no idea what they are, and now and again his ears flick apropos of nothing readily apparent. even kamui himself doesn't pay much mind to them, fixated on the sweet treat as he also appreciates how the syrupyness coats his throat.
once or twice he stifles a cough between bites but mostly things go uninterrupted.
he wishes he knew more about this person who seems to want nothing to do with him yet shows him kindness. he's rather sure he might not call it that but to kamui it is. there are other things to consider too, not least of all the cat he feared for and his own feline traits emerging. not least of all: the blood covering the man's clothing and the presence of someone he knows in that evidence. not least of all: ]
I don't know how...but I hope I can repay you, somehow. At some point.
[ a pause, the teeth that worry kamui's lower lip are a touch sharper, a touch pointier than is normal. ]
Even if you don't think I can.
[ because in the little interactions they've had, kamui has a sense of him even so. kim soleum's heartbeat especially both makes sense and no sense: like there is more than one heartbeat in his one, accounting for variables in a way that would make it very hard to trust. or at least they don't have the cadence of such a thing. ]
[ summer. that's one way to describe the taste of peaches, stale too, the syrupy flavor there with a splash of wetness to keep the throat dry. is it helping? he hasn't coughed a lot, only two, so maybe it was the right decision. when he does cough, soleum's heart grows louder in his chest wondering if he made a mistake. no, he can't make mistakes, he must account for everything, and if the other started coughing then he would have to pat his back to ensure he doesn't choke. ]
It's not I don't think you can.
[ a correction, one that makes sense to him, because every person he's met has tried to do things for him. they have tried, and sometimes they have failed. they go out of their way because they see what soleum is capable of, because he's so thoughtful and strong— truthfully, he's scared, he only does these things because if he doesn't then he'll never get home.
even now, he wants to go home. ]
It's that I don't want you to.
[ because this child doesn't think about himself. even in the cathedral when the floor slowly fell apart, did he not want to rush forward to save the blind cat? truth is, the cat could have perished. lord cat could have fell to the bottom and been lost to the underground of the cathedral, and he would have expected kamui to move forward. but, soleum knows better, he's starting to understand this kid bit by bit, he knows he would have jumped down for the cat despite the dangers.
for a cat.
a black cat.
if he'd do that for an animal he only found, then what would he do for a human, someone like him? a child should remain in a child's place, there's no need for him to do what soleum needs to do instead as an adult. as long as he gets it done, then no one else has to, and by his own means will he pave the path that returns him back home. that returns him to his family and his friends. his stupid job. his couch that's probably lost the impression of his body when he would lay down and watch late-night cartoons. all he wants is to return.
he's tired. he wants to go home. he's covered in blood. he wants to go home. he's made mistakes here. what he wants is to send everyone back to where they come from, and for himself to return too. he doesn't want to see them suffer, he doesn't want to be the one who has to see people he knows die from his misjudgment and inaction. he wants to go home. he wants to cry. though he doesn't. his thoughts are filled with the vibrations of the murmur behind the mask he wears, and it keeps him focused.
he does all of this so that kamui doesn't have to understand this feeling of endless pain. ]
[ not all black cats are 'just' black cats; even if they were, kamui would jump. there is so much he does not know, not just here but even at home. in the end, will it all be too late? letting his gaze drift forward again at nothing in particular, the way kamui leans back against the car seat is as childlike as soleum sees him. often, kamui has felt it too but not in such a shape or nature: rather, the helplessness, the uselessness, and yet too the expectations. even if he could have constructed a kekkai, such a barrier clearly would not have followed him here. or would it? he's seen the proofs of subaru's magic at the hotel, had felt him through the murmur; feels him now.
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
[ he desires to have meaning in the moment? is that why he chooses to do things that he doesn't have to in the helpful suggestion of what he'd like to do. kim soleum has heard such a thing, the things people tell themselves in order to assist in ways they shouldn't have to. it's true, this situation that they're in is something soleum can't remedy alone.
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
[ there are ways that soleum specifically means. there's a selfishness in a way someone can think about themselves with another. that's different, and something he doesn't think to speak on, what he means in this very specific way goes like this: ]
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ there were many people kim soleum came into contact with beneath the surface. the name isn't one he can label, it isn't anyone he knows, and soleum goes out of his way to to learn. there are many people who deny doing so, rather be open with their names, but they are civilians and they use it for pride. that means little in the face of danger, that's how they are killed, and why kim soleum has to avoid it.
this one is new to him so he can only answer honestly. ]
Is that what you gain from entering in here, a person?
[ that could be the name of who he's looking for and if so, there's some gain to this interaction. he's unable to say no or call him a liar, all he can do is accept if that's the case. there's a part of soleum that's happy for him if so, that he's able to achieve what he's been looking for the entire time. unlike soleum who has gained and lost, it appears that the people he has been around underground are a few familiar few that the young boy is attached too.
is he no longer lonely because he can return to this person? whoever subaru is? ]
...I met too many people below. I couldn't tell you where to start. You're losing daylight by being in here with me.
[ and that's a fact. ]
no subject
[ still curled up as small as possible, the ears faintly twitch. the tail which might lash otherwise, stays tense. he had been searching for him the whole time in the tunnels whether led somewhere or dragged somewhere. even the altercation of being forcibly handed off to a man he'd met once before...kamui can't find it in himself to view it as anything but another part of the unstopping tangle. he'd smelled subaru on the other man too, interestingly. there's entwining here in a way he doesn't understand.
'cat' says he does not know.
kamui believes him.
he's not sure why.
maybe he shouldn't.
the comment about daylight makes his brow pinch. without his psychic abilities he's at a severe disadvantage here, which at least he learned fast enough. reflexes and a curious uptic in strength and pointed claws more than hands seems to come and go. he needs more time. at the same token, he wants to leave this place but he can't without subaru; won't. well.
and then there is that other person.
unconsciously kamui's eyes have narrowed and there's a dull not-quite purr emanating from him as he tucks his head down fully against his knees, ears flattened now. ]
How many minutes do I have left?
[ it comes muffled, but he doesn't want to trouble him and he can't force him to go with him either.
also?
he has to find his way back then to the hotel by scent...and he's still getting used to this. if he couldn't do it before full dark, it would be his fault putting him in more danger. also he'd 'agreed' before. ]
no subject
[ he heard him, but it's easy to correct as he lifts his head to look towards where kamui sits. ]
It's not help that I need. I need to understand what directions I'm going to take to get the civilians home.
[ every person stuck in this place is a civilian that needs help, he's heard from agent choi that he's been here for some time, longer than what soleum knows. it's because of this he has to work extra hard, he needs to find what the agent overlooked, investigate locations that they shouldn't go to. risk himself over and over and over again like they did for him, even if they did it once, it's fine for him to triple their efforts.
soleum hasn't been counting. ]
I'm not sure.
[ he leans back against the chair, a hand rubs up his face, pushing the mask further and further up until it falls. his hand settles over his eyes, he stares into the darkness as black locks of hair part to allow his fingers to weave through them. should he have been keeping count, what he had hoped is that this child would have paid attention to it himself, been more self-conscious of the time that he has.
that isn't the case.
besides, who would be able to count down the seconds, minutes and hours? kim soleum, that's who, but he can barely focus, and even the darkness is offering some sort of discomfort to him. he has to do something soon or he'll regret wasting time, if he doesn't do anything now then saving them will be meaningless. ]
You just entered, so it shouldn't have been that long.
no subject
reties. retries.
he blinks, not knowing much of the violet of his eyes has been eclipsed with gold. his nose twitches, agitated by the floral surge as he buries a small cough into the tops of his knees again.
quietly, ]
How do you figure that out? Can I help?
[ whether he wants to or not, kamui has to return; but he does want to; needs to. that he would selfishly bring the one 'subaru' with him, is not tangential but also just a part of the bigger whole to kamui's selfishness. to get out, he needs more information. and even if he did know how, he would need to find subaru first. but having met someone else already his heart sinks, caught up by the viced roots of recognizing the same insurmountable love in another person that he has himself; for worse.
of course between the two of them, kamui is the one whose choice is more devastating. unable to choose the world he chose a person and the world teeters on its last thread of hope that there might be some final moment of intersect.
it's not like he doesn't know this; not all protagonists are heroes.
certainly not necessarily responsible either.
the cat...chooses.
absently, kamui rubs at the freshly scabbed cut on his face. it's itchy. ]
no subject
[ they'll make mistakes, but that's common for the situation that they're in, way too common. he closes his eyes, sighs, and the buzz of the mask on his face only grows worse before he pushes it off to dislodge himself from that constant murmur of noise. it's too loud, too chatty, he can't stand the sound. but he never allows for his own face to be seen, like he's covering it. ]
There are routes to take, some more dangerous than others. ...You don't have to put yourself in harm's way.
[ this is what he believes.
though, he doesn't need to know the entire extent of why he wants to endanger himself. kim soleum should be aware, the things the boy could have left to the cat, he still grew worried and concerned. there was compassion, fright, worry, he blames himself and so soleum remembers every single moment of that and it has left an impression on that contamination.
don't ask what he already knows. ]
Don't worry. I'll figure it out... I need time.
[ he has to fuss out how to make things work, what he need to do, how he should go about it. soleum works alone, he doesn't need the assistance of anyone else or have someone involving themselves in a dangerous situation much like him. the less people he can involve the better, so that means he should do more, do double and that means he'll have to follow what trail of clues that he has. ]
no subject
It feels...like everything is dangerous here. Sort of.
[ this gets murmured against kamui's arms, now folded atop his knees, resting on his side in the passenger seat. his gaze he keeps lowered. it's enough that he can smell the familiarity of soleum's scent, oddly warm in the hyper contrast of the season in this disrepaired city. kamui's own mask rests askew on his head, having no need nor desire to hide who he is. even if he had ever wanted to at home, it would have been impossible.
something also that keeps kamui here is the resonance of the cat he remembers from the dream. something had felt so lonely. and it's not that kamui is particularly generous. more so this: the boy who forgets he was ever just a boy was reminded when a cat led him, when a cat at least appeared to trust him. fate will not let him 'just be' or even to 'be just'. not home, not where he must go. but here, strangely, there's an ouroboros between freedom perceived and freedom limited. kamui likes something about soleum, is drawn to him, and so he'll stay his welcome as long as he can. if, at some point he can also help him despite being clearly told it's not his problem, well; he will. ]
no subject
[ he can't lie about that, he's unable to say that this place is safe in any aspect. even the people he believed to be someone he could go to are also terrifying— monsters, enemies, anomalies, they're all contaminated. when he thinks of the monster over the goat's body that growled in intimidation, the giant merged rat that assaulted them and their efforts, the way everyone's bodies are mutilated by the contamination.
even the one in his car, there are signs, soleum saw them and he doesn't dare look at kamui. he hides his face on purpose, the sickness settles into the pit of his stomach and he feels the need to shoo him away. think, soleum, think, what can he do to leave this disaster with everyone in tow? ]
I can't tell you to do anything dangerous, so my methods can't be said.
[ he's just a child with too much on his shoulders, one that kim soleum kept out of danger once, and one that he'll keep out of danger again. not as his lord cat, but because that seems right to him as a normal person, as a human. ]
Do you find yourself to be one of the dangers as you are now?
no subject
[ an unhelpful albeit honest answer, with his tail curled tight around him and ears pinned down, kamui looks for all the world like he might fall asleep like that in the passenger seat, though it's not his intention. a danger? because he doesn't understand what is going on or going wrong with him? yes. because he cannot protect people well? yes. because even back home when he had certain powers blessed or cursed upon him, even then he could not.
so he might be. yes. even probably. somehow it feels like more than that question though.
he closes his eyes.
it hasn't escaped him that soleum won't look at him, though he can think of a number of reasons for this and wouldn't blame him for any of them. ]
Though I don't want to be.
[ how much of 'want' does this place permit. how much does it matter? a great deal, in fact though this too he doesn't understand, and things 'mattering' does not equate to things being resolved or even received. a wandering cat is a wandering cat. a failed messiah is just a boy turning sixteen on the edge of a world that burns despite his mother's sacrifice. and here?
here:
the boy and the cat are the same and asking without asking: can i stay?
just a little longer than those fifteen minutes. ]
no subject
[ there's not much of a want here, when contamination sets in, that is that and the longer they remain here the worse that "i don't want" becomes "i have to". it feels horrible to sit here and know that when kamui is affected by the physical changes, and what can kim soleum do but sit here and feel sorry for himself. luckily, he plays it off as just someone covered in blood and tired, simply can't sleep.
no matter how many times he tries, there's something keeping him up: kamui, this place, his own horrific experience. ]
Where were you before you came here?
[ he asks solely curious of a few things: a safe place, a scary place, somewhere painful? whatever the answer is, it would accompany soleum's choice of what to do with kamui because is there reason to be here when there's a better, safer place then in a small car where blood stains the air. ]
I can't say this car is the safest option. This is one of those wise choices you have to make.
no subject
a wet shuddering exhale gets quieted into his knees.
it's easier to talk about what he knows, though it's a stilted sort of answer, broken up here and there with muffled coughs that bring summer hydrangeas into the preexisting and prevailing scent of blood. ]
Tokyo. I was --
[ or not easier. the words 'trying to find someone' get tangled with 'trying to save someone' get tangled with 'failing'.
failing.
failed.
with one arm curled close, kamui peers at his scarred palm and then the other.
then he closes both hands and lowers his head against his knees again. ]
It might be...safest for me, for now.
[ an honest answer and a selfish one: 'safest' meaning he does not have to worry as much about explaining what is going wrong with him, which is to say he does not know. as well as this: the need to still be away, because people have been so kind to him. soleum is kind too, in kamui's eyes. but it's a bit different. there's an arm's length feeling that is almost easier to be around even though it's kamui asking, in a way, for more. drawn to him, somehow.
echoes: this way, this way. yet rippling water from a single stone thrown.
too much kindness of other types and he starts to feel...guilty.
because what has he done to deserve it?
the car is quiet and soleum is steady though somehow kamui sometimes thinks he can feel his heart like a tightrope walker, not ever able to look down. ]
no subject
[ japan, yes. then he'll have to see to it that kamui is returned there as soon as this disaster is broken down. it doesn't sound hard to make it happen in hindsight, but that means understanding this place properly to achieve that goal. he doesn't know anything of kamui, he hardly remembers what was written on the walls that tried to explain his character. the smell of flowers. it's brief, he doesn't look up to see where it came from because as long as it's not any sort of fungus, there's nothing to worry about.
for now, he'll accept it.
the smell of flowers isn't as terrifying as the smell of their blood, the fact that people had died because of him, and learning that the reason for any of it at all is because someone was scared. kim soleum was afraid too. then why do they cross paths but never make the same choices. he exhales, a shake of his head, and because he doesn't want to hear anymore coughs. ]
Hm.
[ and because kim soleum never asks to hear about backgrounds because he doesn't care. whatever these ocs go through is none of his business because it doesn't help him with his goal of going home, he doesn't argue over what is safest for him, nor does he inquire what it was he were doing in tokyo before coming here.
all soleum knows is that he's searching. ]
That's fine, then. In the trunk... [ his voice carries as he doesn't think much of it because... he's thinking whether this is a smart choice. ] there's a can of peaches, it'll help alleviate the cough, and keep your throat wet. The cold air is dry.
[ this is just life, a normal coincidence and a fact to their survival. ]
If you're sick, you'll make things harder for yourself.
no subject
subaru...
because kim soleum is so soft spoken even the snow outside could blot him out if it tried a little, kamui hears him as if at some distance, following his words like an invisible trail. part of him thinks if he goes outside, soleum won't let him back in. and part of him is okay with that, because he knows he's overstaying his welcome already and that going back on what he agreed to isn't the best. still, he wants to stay. still, he wants to be 'here' instead of elsewhere. still.
half rolling half pushing himself up to sit properly, he straightens his back a bit, reaching up to push at one of his own ears for no readily apparent reason. ]
I...when I woke up here...I had this cough. But I didn't have it before.
[ which is not terribly surprising. the sheer amount of fungal growths, some of which decided to also become corporeal, down below would have been enough to do work on any body manifested here. but somehow kamui doesn't think that's what it is even if he doesn't know what it actually, well, is. he shakes his head again, staring down at his hands, the tips faintly sharper, more arrowed in than standard human fingers. ]
Anyway...that's your food. I know it's precious. I won't take it.
[ what is a cat after all if not a creature who can be incredibly stubborn? ]
no subject
[ a little more strict because he has that control. children listen, sometimes they pay mind to adults, and kim soleum isn't lord cat at the moment, he's the man past the cat. he separates his identities, he's a human, and so he continues with what makes sense to the narrative. ]
When under someone else's roof.
[ the roof of someone that won't even look at him because of his new appearance, the terrifying fact that kamui doesn't hold the form of a basic black cat, but something contaminated by the concept of it. if kim soleum hadn't grown familiar with the odds and ends of those involved underground, he probably would have blamed himself for this too.
just as obsidian as the creature within the cathedral.
rather than reflect, his voice is a little firmer, a reminder and not expecting this gesture to be disregarded. ]
For survival purposes, it's the best option for your throat. [ then realizing he can hang a treat that comes with doing as told: ] Especially if you want to stay.
no subject
unconsciously, kamui's rather not-human ears perk, though since soleum won't look at him and kamui isn't paying attention to it, well, it hardly matters.
what matters, ]
Will you also eat?
[ part of kamui fears being able to keep anything down with the mild revulsion in his throat and stomach. it would be nice if some of it went to someone who can. he takes opportunity at least to peer at soleum from beneath long lashes, curious ever and ever, why he is so sure of what he cannot prove. this really was the cat. then his eyes stray to the blood. does he not have a change of clothes?
but then he is reminded of subaru, sitting, unmoving, unwanting to change and --
--he looks away. it troubles him, how he can barely feel his presence anymore, but it doesn't work either to run to find him in a place both big and small enough to disappear before he gets there. he still doesn't understand the various hazards of this place, the expected and otherwise. ]
no subject
[ when he's offering his food to allow the other to stay, he asks for more, which will cause a problem and remove him from the vehicle faster than his desire to be here. kim soleum doesn't say that to him, no, what he does is simply address the fact that the amount of power kamui has here is beneath soleum's own. ]
The trunk should be open already, I haven't locked it. I'll keep the doors open, too.
[ in case the other worries the moment he leaves out from the car that they'll lock behind him. he's already promised him if he does as told he can stay, so soleum won't go against it, there's no need because it's not like he, himself, would be a danger to the youth.
he's a much safer option than whatever is out there.
it's difficult he's unable to explain it entirely due to being new here himself, but soleum sighs tiredly. even his own stomach hasn't rumbled in time, it's because he isn't hungry, he's way too stressed to do so. he feels like the world is caving in on him, but the only reason he's not crushed himself is because the voice of the other breaks through reminding him he cannot break down with someone near him. ]
no subject
back in his own world it might have been moot, supposing the world itself might be ending.
but it makes him think.
what comes after?
something ends and then?
a boy gets out of a car, another keeps it unlocked, a can of peaches procured from the trunk.
the world seems rather unreal in these simple moments.
when kamui peers at the trunk, he stifles a weird inclination to just climb into it and curl up to conserve his own warmth. he's muffling another cough as he gets back into the passenger seat, head turned away into his own sleeve. breathing through his nose, he blinks rapidly until it ebbs. then he stares down at the can of peaches in his hands before, deciding not to push his luck further, opening it.
sweet. syrupy. a touch of color blooms in kamui's cheeks and the curl of his tail around his own waist is a pleased one. having no way to know how his current physical state is upsetting to soleum, kamui has made no efforts to hide it, though even if he could he's not sure how he would. perhaps he could ask choi, if he ever catches onto soleum's discomfort. perhaps he could make a hat at least for the ears. not thinking any of this just yet though, kamui's mind is fixated the way an animal's mind often does when eating: food good. and soleum was right, it does help a little with his throat. or seems to, for now. ]
no subject
soleum finally relaxes, while tense, he can feel the breath in his throat starting to leave from between his lips. it's such a strange situation to be in, the horrors that anything that was once human was left behind and has turned them into creatures. he's become worse, though, he's become a monster of organs in the wrong places, he's become a mascot filled with stuffing, he's become a cat... he's become many things that aren't him, but he was always able to revert back.
the rest of them however has not.
they only grow worse, and so does soleum's nerves. ]
...
[ the click is enough to tell him that the other is eating, and because he does, soleum leans up as he places his mask properly on his face. the buzzing of the murmur enters his head, it gives him a headache, but it's something he chooses to endure knowing that the other is eating. ]
How is it?
[ normalcy.
asking someone how their food tastes.
he may have lost what made him human and have had them replaced with parts like a wild animal, but the other still hungers... like anyone else, so it's something he can question with ease that doesn't come off difficult. he's unable to ignore that inside, that cat which had guided the other to safety... he cannot ignore those things that he did before. ]
no subject
[ even if soleum doesn't look over at him, mask in place as well, kamui smiles at him over his makeshift table of his own knees, can now balanced precariously atop them. for a while it's quiet except for kamui's almost-as-quiet nibbling, though kamui can hear others far off, crunching through the snow or even doing things indoors. he hears other things too, though he has no idea what they are, and now and again his ears flick apropos of nothing readily apparent. even kamui himself doesn't pay much mind to them, fixated on the sweet treat as he also appreciates how the syrupyness coats his throat.
once or twice he stifles a cough between bites but mostly things go uninterrupted.
he wishes he knew more about this person who seems to want nothing to do with him yet shows him kindness. he's rather sure he might not call it that but to kamui it is. there are other things to consider too, not least of all the cat he feared for and his own feline traits emerging. not least of all: the blood covering the man's clothing and the presence of someone he knows in that evidence. not least of all: ]
I don't know how...but I hope I can repay you, somehow. At some point.
[ a pause, the teeth that worry kamui's lower lip are a touch sharper, a touch pointier than is normal. ]
Even if you don't think I can.
[ because in the little interactions they've had, kamui has a sense of him even so. kim soleum's heartbeat especially both makes sense and no sense: like there is more than one heartbeat in his one, accounting for variables in a way that would make it very hard to trust. or at least they don't have the cadence of such a thing. ]
no subject
It's not I don't think you can.
[ a correction, one that makes sense to him, because every person he's met has tried to do things for him. they have tried, and sometimes they have failed. they go out of their way because they see what soleum is capable of, because he's so thoughtful and strong— truthfully, he's scared, he only does these things because if he doesn't then he'll never get home.
even now, he wants to go home. ]
It's that I don't want you to.
[ because this child doesn't think about himself. even in the cathedral when the floor slowly fell apart, did he not want to rush forward to save the blind cat? truth is, the cat could have perished. lord cat could have fell to the bottom and been lost to the underground of the cathedral, and he would have expected kamui to move forward. but, soleum knows better, he's starting to understand this kid bit by bit, he knows he would have jumped down for the cat despite the dangers.
for a cat.
a black cat.
if he'd do that for an animal he only found, then what would he do for a human, someone like him? a child should remain in a child's place, there's no need for him to do what soleum needs to do instead as an adult. as long as he gets it done, then no one else has to, and by his own means will he pave the path that returns him back home. that returns him to his family and his friends. his stupid job. his couch that's probably lost the impression of his body when he would lay down and watch late-night cartoons. all he wants is to return.
he's tired. he wants to go home. he's covered in blood. he wants to go home. he's made mistakes here. what he wants is to send everyone back to where they come from, and for himself to return too. he doesn't want to see them suffer, he doesn't want to be the one who has to see people he knows die from his misjudgment and inaction. he wants to go home. he wants to cry. though he doesn't. his thoughts are filled with the vibrations of the murmur behind the mask he wears, and it keeps him focused.
he does all of this so that kamui doesn't have to understand this feeling of endless pain. ]
Don't pick up burdens when you don't have to.
no subject
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
no subject
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
no subject
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
no subject
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
Are you not happy at home?