soleum finally relaxes, while tense, he can feel the breath in his throat starting to leave from between his lips. it's such a strange situation to be in, the horrors that anything that was once human was left behind and has turned them into creatures. he's become worse, though, he's become a monster of organs in the wrong places, he's become a mascot filled with stuffing, he's become a cat... he's become many things that aren't him, but he was always able to revert back.
the rest of them however has not.
they only grow worse, and so does soleum's nerves. ]
...
[ the click is enough to tell him that the other is eating, and because he does, soleum leans up as he places his mask properly on his face. the buzzing of the murmur enters his head, it gives him a headache, but it's something he chooses to endure knowing that the other is eating. ]
How is it?
[ normalcy.
asking someone how their food tastes.
he may have lost what made him human and have had them replaced with parts like a wild animal, but the other still hungers... like anyone else, so it's something he can question with ease that doesn't come off difficult. he's unable to ignore that inside, that cat which had guided the other to safety... he cannot ignore those things that he did before. ]
[ even if soleum doesn't look over at him, mask in place as well, kamui smiles at him over his makeshift table of his own knees, can now balanced precariously atop them. for a while it's quiet except for kamui's almost-as-quiet nibbling, though kamui can hear others far off, crunching through the snow or even doing things indoors. he hears other things too, though he has no idea what they are, and now and again his ears flick apropos of nothing readily apparent. even kamui himself doesn't pay much mind to them, fixated on the sweet treat as he also appreciates how the syrupyness coats his throat.
once or twice he stifles a cough between bites but mostly things go uninterrupted.
he wishes he knew more about this person who seems to want nothing to do with him yet shows him kindness. he's rather sure he might not call it that but to kamui it is. there are other things to consider too, not least of all the cat he feared for and his own feline traits emerging. not least of all: the blood covering the man's clothing and the presence of someone he knows in that evidence. not least of all: ]
I don't know how...but I hope I can repay you, somehow. At some point.
[ a pause, the teeth that worry kamui's lower lip are a touch sharper, a touch pointier than is normal. ]
Even if you don't think I can.
[ because in the little interactions they've had, kamui has a sense of him even so. kim soleum's heartbeat especially both makes sense and no sense: like there is more than one heartbeat in his one, accounting for variables in a way that would make it very hard to trust. or at least they don't have the cadence of such a thing. ]
[ summer. that's one way to describe the taste of peaches, stale too, the syrupy flavor there with a splash of wetness to keep the throat dry. is it helping? he hasn't coughed a lot, only two, so maybe it was the right decision. when he does cough, soleum's heart grows louder in his chest wondering if he made a mistake. no, he can't make mistakes, he must account for everything, and if the other started coughing then he would have to pat his back to ensure he doesn't choke. ]
It's not I don't think you can.
[ a correction, one that makes sense to him, because every person he's met has tried to do things for him. they have tried, and sometimes they have failed. they go out of their way because they see what soleum is capable of, because he's so thoughtful and strong— truthfully, he's scared, he only does these things because if he doesn't then he'll never get home.
even now, he wants to go home. ]
It's that I don't want you to.
[ because this child doesn't think about himself. even in the cathedral when the floor slowly fell apart, did he not want to rush forward to save the blind cat? truth is, the cat could have perished. lord cat could have fell to the bottom and been lost to the underground of the cathedral, and he would have expected kamui to move forward. but, soleum knows better, he's starting to understand this kid bit by bit, he knows he would have jumped down for the cat despite the dangers.
for a cat.
a black cat.
if he'd do that for an animal he only found, then what would he do for a human, someone like him? a child should remain in a child's place, there's no need for him to do what soleum needs to do instead as an adult. as long as he gets it done, then no one else has to, and by his own means will he pave the path that returns him back home. that returns him to his family and his friends. his stupid job. his couch that's probably lost the impression of his body when he would lay down and watch late-night cartoons. all he wants is to return.
he's tired. he wants to go home. he's covered in blood. he wants to go home. he's made mistakes here. what he wants is to send everyone back to where they come from, and for himself to return too. he doesn't want to see them suffer, he doesn't want to be the one who has to see people he knows die from his misjudgment and inaction. he wants to go home. he wants to cry. though he doesn't. his thoughts are filled with the vibrations of the murmur behind the mask he wears, and it keeps him focused.
he does all of this so that kamui doesn't have to understand this feeling of endless pain. ]
[ not all black cats are 'just' black cats; even if they were, kamui would jump. there is so much he does not know, not just here but even at home. in the end, will it all be too late? letting his gaze drift forward again at nothing in particular, the way kamui leans back against the car seat is as childlike as soleum sees him. often, kamui has felt it too but not in such a shape or nature: rather, the helplessness, the uselessness, and yet too the expectations. even if he could have constructed a kekkai, such a barrier clearly would not have followed him here. or would it? he's seen the proofs of subaru's magic at the hotel, had felt him through the murmur; feels him now.
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
[ he desires to have meaning in the moment? is that why he chooses to do things that he doesn't have to in the helpful suggestion of what he'd like to do. kim soleum has heard such a thing, the things people tell themselves in order to assist in ways they shouldn't have to. it's true, this situation that they're in is something soleum can't remedy alone.
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
[ there are ways that soleum specifically means. there's a selfishness in a way someone can think about themselves with another. that's different, and something he doesn't think to speak on, what he means in this very specific way goes like this: ]
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
soleum finally relaxes, while tense, he can feel the breath in his throat starting to leave from between his lips. it's such a strange situation to be in, the horrors that anything that was once human was left behind and has turned them into creatures. he's become worse, though, he's become a monster of organs in the wrong places, he's become a mascot filled with stuffing, he's become a cat... he's become many things that aren't him, but he was always able to revert back.
the rest of them however has not.
they only grow worse, and so does soleum's nerves. ]
...
[ the click is enough to tell him that the other is eating, and because he does, soleum leans up as he places his mask properly on his face. the buzzing of the murmur enters his head, it gives him a headache, but it's something he chooses to endure knowing that the other is eating. ]
How is it?
[ normalcy.
asking someone how their food tastes.
he may have lost what made him human and have had them replaced with parts like a wild animal, but the other still hungers... like anyone else, so it's something he can question with ease that doesn't come off difficult. he's unable to ignore that inside, that cat which had guided the other to safety... he cannot ignore those things that he did before. ]
no subject
[ even if soleum doesn't look over at him, mask in place as well, kamui smiles at him over his makeshift table of his own knees, can now balanced precariously atop them. for a while it's quiet except for kamui's almost-as-quiet nibbling, though kamui can hear others far off, crunching through the snow or even doing things indoors. he hears other things too, though he has no idea what they are, and now and again his ears flick apropos of nothing readily apparent. even kamui himself doesn't pay much mind to them, fixated on the sweet treat as he also appreciates how the syrupyness coats his throat.
once or twice he stifles a cough between bites but mostly things go uninterrupted.
he wishes he knew more about this person who seems to want nothing to do with him yet shows him kindness. he's rather sure he might not call it that but to kamui it is. there are other things to consider too, not least of all the cat he feared for and his own feline traits emerging. not least of all: the blood covering the man's clothing and the presence of someone he knows in that evidence. not least of all: ]
I don't know how...but I hope I can repay you, somehow. At some point.
[ a pause, the teeth that worry kamui's lower lip are a touch sharper, a touch pointier than is normal. ]
Even if you don't think I can.
[ because in the little interactions they've had, kamui has a sense of him even so. kim soleum's heartbeat especially both makes sense and no sense: like there is more than one heartbeat in his one, accounting for variables in a way that would make it very hard to trust. or at least they don't have the cadence of such a thing. ]
no subject
It's not I don't think you can.
[ a correction, one that makes sense to him, because every person he's met has tried to do things for him. they have tried, and sometimes they have failed. they go out of their way because they see what soleum is capable of, because he's so thoughtful and strong— truthfully, he's scared, he only does these things because if he doesn't then he'll never get home.
even now, he wants to go home. ]
It's that I don't want you to.
[ because this child doesn't think about himself. even in the cathedral when the floor slowly fell apart, did he not want to rush forward to save the blind cat? truth is, the cat could have perished. lord cat could have fell to the bottom and been lost to the underground of the cathedral, and he would have expected kamui to move forward. but, soleum knows better, he's starting to understand this kid bit by bit, he knows he would have jumped down for the cat despite the dangers.
for a cat.
a black cat.
if he'd do that for an animal he only found, then what would he do for a human, someone like him? a child should remain in a child's place, there's no need for him to do what soleum needs to do instead as an adult. as long as he gets it done, then no one else has to, and by his own means will he pave the path that returns him back home. that returns him to his family and his friends. his stupid job. his couch that's probably lost the impression of his body when he would lay down and watch late-night cartoons. all he wants is to return.
he's tired. he wants to go home. he's covered in blood. he wants to go home. he's made mistakes here. what he wants is to send everyone back to where they come from, and for himself to return too. he doesn't want to see them suffer, he doesn't want to be the one who has to see people he knows die from his misjudgment and inaction. he wants to go home. he wants to cry. though he doesn't. his thoughts are filled with the vibrations of the murmur behind the mask he wears, and it keeps him focused.
he does all of this so that kamui doesn't have to understand this feeling of endless pain. ]
Don't pick up burdens when you don't have to.
no subject
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
no subject
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
no subject
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
no subject
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
Are you not happy at home?