[ he desires to have meaning in the moment? is that why he chooses to do things that he doesn't have to in the helpful suggestion of what he'd like to do. kim soleum has heard such a thing, the things people tell themselves in order to assist in ways they shouldn't have to. it's true, this situation that they're in is something soleum can't remedy alone.
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
[ there are ways that soleum specifically means. there's a selfishness in a way someone can think about themselves with another. that's different, and something he doesn't think to speak on, what he means in this very specific way goes like this: ]
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
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no subject
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
no subject
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
no subject
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
Are you not happy at home?