[ not all black cats are 'just' black cats; even if they were, kamui would jump. there is so much he does not know, not just here but even at home. in the end, will it all be too late? letting his gaze drift forward again at nothing in particular, the way kamui leans back against the car seat is as childlike as soleum sees him. often, kamui has felt it too but not in such a shape or nature: rather, the helplessness, the uselessness, and yet too the expectations. even if he could have constructed a kekkai, such a barrier clearly would not have followed him here. or would it? he's seen the proofs of subaru's magic at the hotel, had felt him through the murmur; feels him now.
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
[ he desires to have meaning in the moment? is that why he chooses to do things that he doesn't have to in the helpful suggestion of what he'd like to do. kim soleum has heard such a thing, the things people tell themselves in order to assist in ways they shouldn't have to. it's true, this situation that they're in is something soleum can't remedy alone.
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
[ there are ways that soleum specifically means. there's a selfishness in a way someone can think about themselves with another. that's different, and something he doesn't think to speak on, what he means in this very specific way goes like this: ]
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
what of this person? what has he brought from home? what has he left behind?
where do the two intersect?
how can kamui help?
easy answer: he can't.
hard answer: but.
limbo: if, if, if.
soleum says he does not want him to and kamui thinks of how so much of his life has been what people do want of him and, in the end, what he wants. selfishly. dangerously. he would put it all into a single person's restoration, a boy whose kindness was warped and rewritten all because kamui made a choice fate required of him. people have died and will continue to and yet kamui's wish will not change. as it stands, the earth his mother burned for may yet pay for it. but these are wishes. these are indelible things. these are hearts.
what does soleum wish for?
as he finishes the peaches, it doesn't bother kamui if the can is rusted or whatever. he raises it to his too pink mouth and sips at the rest of the syrup, a faintly hoarse hum in his throat. as he finishes, he keeps the empty tin cupped in his hands, aware of the feeling of something pressing on the inside of his chest but not so-far clustering in a way to make him cough again.
so, quietly, ]
Even if I don't have to, I'd like to. But it's a little hard...since I don't want to go against you either.
[ a soft huff, not quite a cough. soleum doesn't need the details, as far as kamui is concerned. but it is a privilege of sorts to do what one wants and not what one has to. of course the path he treads at home now is of his own making, but the first steps were not by choice. omission. lies. a red thread around his throat. the world expects heaven's white feathers but kamui can feel it sometimes in himself, the twofold of heaven and hell with earth in its crossfire, wings burst from a beating heart like a knife twisted into the same discordant shape.
soleum says not to pick up burdens and kamui turns those words over in his head.
strange concept.
again he cannot help but wonder: what is your wish?
where does he belong?
briefly his mind shifts to choi, who seems to know him. perhaps he could ask him, if he has any idea what would be helpful to soleum. ]
no subject
it takes assistance from others, information, putting himself in situations where the end results are worth it. he doesn't know where to start, he's as blind as the blanket over large red eyes, he's taking steps and hope he goes the right way. he's weak, useless, defenseless. he's endangered people he doesn't know, people he does, ge knows the truth of matters that enrages him, and as the fumes dissipate from his irritation, he was so sure tears would follow after.
he's sensitive, yet he has to ignore these weaker feelings and substitute them for confidence, pride, a will that pushes him in the right direction. he's unable to stomach it if this person risked himself for soleum, especially if the older man could have stopped kamui from doing so. there's a thin barrier, he has him locked behind the gate, he doesn't dare push, but he doesn't recede either. he wants to help, but he doesn't want to go against soleum either.
it's alright. leave it to soleum, if he can make things easier for everyone else then he'll carry the weight instead. what's one more person? ]
It's dangerous. There are risks you shouldn't have to take. I know there will be times I can't prevent every injury or save you from a predicament.
[ sometimes, kamui will have to figure out the answers on his own, or brave the storm presented before him knowing what limited time he has. when it is only kamui and someone else, ]
There will be times only you can solve the problem, where you have to take care of yourself because only you can.
[ who is soleum to give advice, it's selfish advice, it's right up kamui's alley. this selfish in regards to him and him alone. ]
But the things I must do, what I will do. It's nothing you have to focus on, you should focus on yourself because how can you help anyone if you don't have yourself under control?
[ he's coughing, he's afraid, he's yet to make sense of the situation, he's undecided. there's too much of him lacking a direction, and soleum assists in paving him a path despite the bumpy road to get there. ]
You think about everyone else, but I haven't seen you think about you.
no subject
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
no subject
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Talking to someone you like. Play your favorite game.
[ there are some things he can't do here, and soleum knows that because they're barred from it. this disaster is like a jail, one that he knows he can see the exit between them, and all he needs to do is reach for the key. beyond that door is normalcy, and as he keeps going: ]
Just to do things without having to burden yourself with the troubles of others.
[ it sounds easier said than done. he knows that's hard, he can tell from the way kamui acts that he's unable to remove himself from the place he has. he's leading something, he is always in thought, and for a child his age isn't that something that's a little troublesome. if he could think about lego blocks and getting good grades, then soleum would accept that, but it's not that easy because it's not about what soleum will accept, it's more about what kamui is willing to accept towards a normal life without having to overexert himself for the safety of others.
knowing it's not that simple bothers soleum because even if he says this, he knows that the other won't listen. the only way to is to do something he doesn't do and that's to listen to what this character has to say. they say they need to be useful, but they don't really have to be. ]
Just be you.
[ soleum lost that. he is no longer kim soleum sometimes. sometimes he's agent grapes, other times he's roe deer, then he's lord cat, the golden flower mascot and so on. the attempt to ensure that the other doesn't lose who he is, or even better, understand that who he has to be conflicts with who he wants to be. his final sentiment is something soleum understands well, but... it's different.
kim soleum is desperate, he needs to go home, wants to go home. ]
Are you not happy at home?