[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]
no subject
[ he trails off, sheepish. kamui's own heartbeat, struggling as it is, eclipses some of what he can sense from soleum, but not everything. always at odds: this near stoic and calm outside and the more taut inside, something both chaotic and regimented, or attempted-to-be-so. adjusting the empty tin in his hands, he clears his throat a bit and tries again. ]
Do you mean in any specific way?
[ in kamui's mind, he thinks of himself almost too much. how he will get home, what he can or should or should not do regarding subaru, the debt he's accrued here even if no one else thinks of it that way. that this is still sort of thinking about others in conjunction with himself does not occur to him, because to kamui it is all the same. a misstep perhaps though he hasn't realized it yet. more than this, it makes him feel almost self conscious that soleum would see him like this. a thought occurs to him but his own cough interrupts it as he clutches the empty tin a bit tighter. it's noticeably softer, not as hoarse; the peaches helped. but the problem has rooted deep and been growing too long now, and band-aids are just that.
he laughs a bit, softly. ]
But what you said is true...I do need to work on how to be useful while I'm here, [ not really what soleum said of course but how the cat translates it, ] ... and also how to go home.
[ the way his tone shifts is more telling than kamui realizes, the faint drop of his voice. like someone who isn't sure he wants to do the last thing but also feels as though he has no choice. yuuto had told him he hoped he would live a bit more freely here but how can he? is he supposed to treat this place like he might be here forever? it feels sometimes still like a dream and maybe part of kamui yet waits for it to fall apart. except the wounds are real. the losses are real. the shadows and the precious few lights. real. the beat of soleum's heart: quite real. his inhales, his exhales. the mask that keeps him from kamui in a way the boy hasn't failed to notice but makes no comment on. it already feels fortunate soleum let him into this car twice. a temporary stray will take what it can, here and there. ]